How To Achieve Confidence In Yourself and Maintain It Around Others


con·​fi·​dence | \ ˈkän-fə-dən(t)s  , -ˌden(t)s\

  1. feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances
  2. faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way

Previously we discussed the science of awkwardness and how to overcome it in our everyday lives. Realizing the importance of confidence is paramount if we wish to live a more successful life as our inner and personal confidence can affect a wide range of subjects.

Confidence is quite often regarded as our belief in our own abilities and our potential to succeed. Today I’d like to talk about how we achieve confidence in ourselves and maintain it around others. Confidence is the glue that we try to use to hold our entire personality together. Confidence is what separates leaders from the followers. Confidence rarely if ever comes easy, even for those who seem to beam with it shoulder to shoulder. It’s initially a rather difficult concept to wrap our heads around when we try to understand why some seem to contain so much while so many of us seem to be lacking.

While we often would like to be as confident as possible, it is important to realize how to embrace our confidence. True confidence is a strong personal comfort zone. Too much confidence and we can get cocky, take unreasonable risks although we feel they are quite measured and at our absolute worst we simply disregard the sound evidence we uncovered that allowing us to become confident; leading to certain doom. Too much confidence and we overestimate the situation and the amount of comfort we should exist in.

On the flipside, having too little confidence can be quite a drag on our self-esteem. Struggling with low confidence can cause us to seek an existence within our own shell and very rarely peek our head out for fear of what we may expect due to past negative reference experiences. And rightly so, I mean who honestly wants to walk towards certain doom? Having low confidence and low self esteem often causes us to overthink, doubt our own abilities and hesitate to act even though we may know what to do and have the means to get it done. A lack of confidence can lead to poor work performance, lack of friends and an overall mediocre lifestyle.

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Through our lives we encounter a variety of reference experiences constructed from our interactions, the successes and failures we perceive in those interactions and the overall effect of the social interaction itself. Building confidence is important because once we achieve a level of distinction, others will notice how we carry ourselves and interact with the world around us. Ever see a bigshot walking around wearing a suit and acting like he owns the place? You know the guy I’m talking about, the guy who walks as if he were 10 feet tall and talks as if he were across a deep chasm. Ask a popular comedian, an actor, a lawyer heck even a medical doctor what has been one of the most significant contributors to their success in their profession and they will likely tell you it is the confidence they found as they developed a mastery in their craft. It was not the end destination of being able to stand in the mirror and look at themselves proudly on a day of their achievement that made them confident, it was their trials and their loss. It was their struggle and the humiliation of making a fool of themselves in front of others chasing after what they want the most. Confidence is the sum of our most significant reference experiences.

An impactive reference experience is one that is both emotional and powerful. Thus, it is during these repetitious and significant reference experiences we harness the ability to make true and lasting changes to our habits and behaviors. This is when we must perform the way we need to and strive to accomplish our objectives. The more we push ourselves through an awkward situation where we expect failure, the more we will be able to look back one day and exclaim at the progress we have made! Just like when we examine the science of awkwardness and how we overcome it, we must apply consistent and repetitious behavior traits we establish by allowing ourselves to be fully aware and present to the moment we are engaged in.

According to The Psychology Dictionary, the tendency to allow one characteristic of an individual to influence our judgment of other characteristics, the halo effect may work positively or negatively. If a person appears outgoing and attractive, we may judge him to be brighter than he is. If he is disagreeable or distasteful, we may judge his intelligence more severely. The halo effect is a common reaction, and a compelling illustration of the power of suggestion. It is also one of the major sources of personal bias and distortions of judgment (Pam, 2018).

If you feel you are affected by a lack of confidence and would like to explore your options in modifying this behavior through a professional coaching program, contact me for a free consultation. We will not only address what you feel your shortcomings to achieving what you want may be, but identify one very important thing: who are YOU according to YOU! Contact me via for a free consultation and we will explore how we can closer align your lifestyle to your ideal self.

That is who YOU really are! Trainwrecks, I tell you this frequently and I will likely never stop hammering home this important message: STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK ABOUT YOU! Stop focusing on what others think and begin to pay attention to the way you make others feel. Being comfortable with others is more about realizing THEY are human and have ups and downs than it is obsessing about OUR ups and downs. Seriously, once we begin to realize others are just as imperfect and fallible as us, we have the opportunity to share humor and realistic observation. We are all worried (for obnoxious reasons) whether we are good enough. True confidence doesn’t come from our achievement of success and grandiose. No, true confidence comes from the ability to endure through failure. Confidence comes from knowing that even though we may not achieve success during this “go-around,” we are learning what not to do next time and perhaps we might be able to succeed by adjusting our tactics.


We must learn from our mistakes and strive to not reproduce a previous unsuccessful attempt.

So, let’s have a discussion! Make sure you smash that LIKE button as you comment below.

  • What are some ways you have found to improve your own confidence?
  • What are some of the limitations you have experienced in building a higher level of confidence?
  • Finally, what are things you have learned along the way to inspire and even promote your level of confidence?

Leave your comments below and join in the discussion.

Achieving true confidence is no small task, believe me. But when we maintain the ability to look others in the eye, hold a conversation with another person who we perceive as having more value than us and even assert ourselves without fear – that is powerful! Confident people go after what they want and make no apologies for it. When we appear confident to others, especially during a rather intense situation, we tend to command respect and even authority amongst others because other human beings unconsciously detect the sense of calm and familiarity a confident person naturally displays.

Confidence in ourselves can have a major impact on others even though confidence is often less about what others think and more about what we, ourselves perceive of our own abilities. I encourage you all to get out there and push yourselves to the outer limits of your comfort zone! Get outside of your head and get confident. We can do this!

You’re Welcome. Internet.

This post was heavily influenced by “Out the Speakers”

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Photography provided by: Scott M. Liddell at



The definition of confidence

The Halo Effect

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