Stress. Anxiety. Insecurity. Irrationality. Anger. Fear.
Previously, we discussed how to achieve confidence in yourself and maintain it around others.
Why does it sometimes seem so easy for others to enjoy the life they are living and yet here we are, struggling just to be able to smile at ourselves in the mirror? Why does it seem like some guys can walk right up to a pretty girl they don’t know and magically strike up a conversation with her, yet other guys can’t? Why do some mysteriously possess the ability to obtain what they want in life simply by giving a smile of approval to others?? Is there some sort of black magic at play or can we purchase the magical pill these people are eating?
Sorry people, but there is nothing extraordinary occurring here. When we are cool, confident and focused, we radiate an air of peaceful forward momentum. When we are present to the moment we are living among others in, it is so much easier for us to accomplish our objectives and avoid conflict simply because our frame of mind is one of task-focus and the elimination of unnecessary or derogatory information. Our reticular activating system is dispositioned for successful practices and the discrepancies of others are merely that – “the discrepancies of OTHERS!”
When I was in my early twenties and still relatively new to the world outside the confines of Newark Delaware, I used to think people were somehow gifted with this ability to express themselves freely. To talk among whomever they choose and to smile as if their life was amazing at all times. Yes, I once put others on a pedestal simply because they didn’t seem to exist in the same world I did. I would look at really pretty girls and think “whoah, what does it take to even be her friend let alone a boyfriend of a girl like that?” In my teens I gazed at wealthy businessmen having meetings at lavish eateries and I would wonder what magic spell some wizard off in a cave had cast upon these people for them to be living this easy life devoid of my constant failures.
I know it sounds crazy but I honestly thought I somehow needed to receive permission from some unseen being to ever express myself or truly enjoy myself in the moment I lived in. And you know what, I was right. I did need permission from someone before I would ever learn to be happy doing what I love and enjoy.
I needed permission from myself to be happy. I needed to be able to look myself in the mirror and say “you don’t need to do anything else to find your peace. Your fight is now over. Find something else to do that you enjoy.”
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The truth was, when I was young man I did not have much in common with any of those confident people in that I was not a very focused individual. As a young adult I was used to patterns of instability so I would often act out in odd ways when I would feel the weight of stress or anxiety pushing down upon me, even for the simplest of reasons. I realized I developed a severe lack of identity because of the frequent changes in my developmental environment and as a result, I had problems finding commonalities with others. It was not until I escaped Delaware and joined the military I was able to begin to assemble the identity of the person I truly wanted to be and because it was finally me pulling the strings and creating this identity I was able to fully immerse myself in it. I decided I was going to be the person I always wished I could be and nothing would stop me!
And then of course, a few things did.
Does this sound familiar or what, Trainwrecks? I mean, not many of you will join the military and that’s cool. What I mean is, have we ever felt like we wished we could have the confidence to be the person we always wanted to be? Well, the truth is that we really can be that person but there will be hard work involved. I’ve spent most of my life figuring this out. And it’s really not rocket science, it’s more social science. You see, we live our lives based on the results of our actions. Those actions are dependent on how we feel which is directly impacted by what it is we are thinking. So in reality, the way we decide to perceive ourselves as well as others will inherently have a huge impact on how we behave and react to the behavior of others (both good and bad).
So how can we be more cool, calm and confident?
Being calm and cool is more a state of non-reactivity to the sudden changes in others and the environment as much as it is a method of maintaining momentum by subjectively addressing ONLY those issues which have an immediate impact upon us. Being cool, calm and confident is skillfully utilizing a well-prepared Bullshit filter.
To further explain this, I ask you to envision a mountain and compare it to a pile of straw. Which one would we expect to crumble and blow away first? Embracing ourselves as an emotional mountain versus an emotional pile of straw comes from an affirmation to ourselves we are going to be the person we have decided we want to be and not some bumbling fool we have found ourselves default to in the past when we allowed the pressure in our lives to become too great. Are the truly “attractive” (no, not the fake pretty and often self-centered) people worrying about every little thing in the world or obsessed with someone they have never met? No, attractive individuals are like leaders in our eyes. We gravitate toward confident and charismatic individuals because they give us what we want more often than any of our physical attractions to others.
Confident people do not look for the value they can imbue themselves with in a conversation, they look upon what value they can imbue upon others. Confident and charismatic people do not constantly worry about the affairs of those they do not have interest or find unnecessary reasons to apologize to others in an effort to “people-please.” People pleasing often has good intentions but rarely follows through with anything but piss poor execution, which is the very reason why cool, calm and confident people do not try to be “nice” to others. Being overly nice to someone is selfish because now you need them to be nice to you or you will feel like crap. Yes, that sentence probably just made you evaluate some of your own behaviors didn’t it? Confident and charismatic people are polite and respectful to others with the precision of a surgeon, but skillfully pass on the neediness of receiving approval from others. I have commonly referred to this concept in a loquacious manner as simply not giving a fuck what others think about us.
Confidence comes from repeatable reference experiences of success. Most of that success comes from what WE do vs what we expect others to do for us. Thus, if we cannot rely solely on the efforts of others to provide us our happiness and confidence than why would we base such a strong measure of our happiness and confidence on the irrational opinions of others in the first place? This sociological paradigm can never be more present in our modern society as we commonly impoverish ourselves in an effort to “keep up with the Joneses.” It is common practice for us to do things to make ourselves miserable to please others (we often do not like) in an effort to selfishly elicit behaviors we feel would make us enjoy others more (rather than allowing others permission to be imperfect fellow human beings).
If you feel you are affected by a lack of confidence and feelings of anxiety when you attempt to assert yourself and would like to explore your options in modifying this behavior through a professional coaching program, contact me for a free consultation. We will not only address what you feel your shortcomings to achieving what you want may be, but identify one very important thing: who are YOU according to YOU! Contact me via DJBeautifulTrainwreck@gmail.com for a free consultation and we will explore how we can closer align your lifestyle to your ideal self.
Being cool and calm is being a guide in a situation but not a control freak. What I mean by that is during most interactions no matter how big or how small, human beings will look for direction and guidance even if they are the one being looked to. Realizing the strengths and weaknesses of ourselves as well as others is very important because we can then appreciate their individuality. This recognition of others and the separate world they live in outside of ours is literally the building blocks of self-confidence and charismatic behavior. Being calm and cool is realizing we are feeling the effects of anxiety but we are not letting the effects of our anxiety drag us down. Being calm and cool is being grounded in reality, maintaining positive eye contact with everyone we speak to and feeling like we are connected to everyone we communicate with.
Many of us struggle with staying cool, calm and confident and I cannot think of anyone who would not have a reason not to. All of the clients I have worked with have discussed improvements in their own lives once we took a hard look at who they really want to be and comparing that person with who they realize they have settled to being for one reason or another. Much of this is learned habitual behavior and some of it is even connected to deeply rooted trauma.
So, let’s have a discussion! Make sure you smash that LIKE button as you comment below.
- What part of your belief or value system is stopping you from being confident and achieving your goals?
- What are you doing to focus on the things you have control over vs. the things you are allowing to control you?
- What are some meditative practices you implement in your daily lives?
Leave your comments below and join in the discussion.
Achieving true confidence is no small task, believe me. But when we maintain the ability to look others in the eye, hold a conversation with another person who we perceive as having more value than us and even assert ourselves without fear – that is powerful! Confident people go after what they want and make no apologies for it. When we appear confident to others, especially during a rather intense situation, we tend to command respect and even authority amongst others because other human beings unconsciously detect the sense of calm and familiarity a confident person naturally displays.
Confidence in ourselves can have a major impact on others even though confidence is often less about what others think and more about what we, ourselves perceive of our own abilities. I encourage you all to get out there and push yourselves to the outer limits of your comfort zone! Get outside of your head and get confident. We can do this!
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