One of my favorite things about being from the East Coast is we have excellent taste in food. What I mean by that is we take pride in our weirdness as much if not more than others. I like my brussel sprouts fried in sesame oil with a lil old bay seasoning added to make life even more incredible. I’ve already eaten two chicken breasts and a block of cheese so this should be a good dessert.
When I drank and took pills a dinner like this would be a large pizza accompanied by a 12 pack of beer. Dinners were not an event for sustenance. Dinner was an event of indulgence. The food and the alcohol satiated the pain I felt every evening staring at pictures of the family I could not be with and desired more than anything.
Nights in my life lately have been much different, filled with studying and reflection. When I left Springfield, IL I swore I would find a way to fix myself. It wasn’t until I discovered there really wasn’t anything wrong with being broken to begin with that I finally realized all that time I spent drinking and wallowing in my own pity was just time I wasted because I chose to spend them that way.
It’s incredible to be spending my nights this way now. Sitting at my little corner desk, banging out my coursework on a 5 year old laptop and planning out the remainder of my week writing blog posts and recording Youtube content.
Even two years ago where I am right now was unheard of in my own head because I forgot who I was. Two years ago I still didn’t know how to smile. I think the worst torture a human being can endure is to lose their identity. To enter each day questioning why you’ve changed and what you’ve become. I look like I used to. Old friends and people I worked with have told me “you’re back” but what does that mean?
I realize people say things to me based on how they feel and not what I’m thinking, which is all the more reason I just don’t bother when I get a little confused. I’m one day closer to doing what it is I’m supposed to do. One more class assignment down. One more coaching class. One more embarrassing conversation struggling to understand the answers to my questions.
I have now taken the next step in my personal journey finding closure in my military career. It has taken a lot of convincing from my mentors. I’m doing everything asked of me and once again putting faith in our military. The military I blamed for letting me down when I should have been focusing on how to make it easier for the service to provide me what I needed. That is what I want to figure out how to get into the hands of those who need it the most. Yeah I know I’m friggin weird, Just go with it,
You’re Welcome. Internet.