What’s going on Trainwrecks? Throughout my life I have always wondered why some people are “liked” more than others. This included myself as I didn’t have many friends growing up. As middle-schooler, I wondered why bigger kids would pick on me. In High School I tried to talk to girls but between my acne, my low self-esteem and my odd behavior patterns I was a mess. At times it felt like I was born destined to be an unsocial person. In all reality it had a lot to do with the poor examples I was provided as a child by equally confused parents and peers. I was a confused boy who didn’t know any better and in my pursuit to become a better person throughout the years I’ve come to understand, isolate and adjust many of the incongruent sticking points I’ve identified. I still have a LOT of work to do with myself through this process.
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So what specifically can we do to make other like us? What are things we can do to ensure we are the most liked person in the room? NOTHING. No really, there is nothing we can specifically do to make another person like us. Oh, there are plenty of things we can do to make others NOT like us though. Pretty screwed up, huh? Here, let me explain. We cannot control the actions of others, thus we cannot make someone like us. We can only be a LIKABLE person and allow the other person to draw their own conclusion about who we are. People always desire making their own choice and by being a more likable person, chances are you will be liked. It sounds more complicated than it is, you see these behaviors I’m going to share with you are ones that people with money and status have displayed for thousands of years. And for good reason, they had an edge in a world when they displayed leadership. Leaders are always desired in any society. What is stopping you from displaying the same behaviors?
- Maintain eye contact with others – Too often when we conversate, we fail to maintain eye contact with says a multitude of things about us from a lack of confidence, to our feelings of inadequacy. When we behave in a manner which promotes inferiority to others, that is exactly what we will believe; that we are inferior to others. Strong eye contact promotes as well as displays self-confidence (Cuncic, 2019).
- Smile – Smiling is infectious, plain and simple. Its often difficult to ignore a person smiling and its even more difficult to frown at someone genuinely smiling at us. Societal cues pressure us to avoid being rude so when we see someone smiling and enjoying themselves, we naturally desire being a part of their world and the happiness within it. Smiling is incredibly effective with strangers. You read that correctly. When we see a stranger cross our path we naturally develop a defensive frame depending on our ability to defend ourselves as well as our past reference experiences. When a potential threat reveals themselves to be everything but a threat, psychologically we wish to align ourselves in a neutral or even a friendlier position as to return a gesture of friendliness so we can either go on about our business or possibly enter into conversation with this person. In all honesty, this is one of the biologically inserted behaviors men rely on specifically to keep from killing one another on a daily basis. Although there exist several iterations of a smile available (such a mischievous smile or even a fake smile), generally speaking, smiling is a gesture universal amongst nearly all languages that have ever existed (Stephenson, 2012).
- Realize what we want is not always what the other person wants – Too often we get wrapped up into our own wants and desires and we lose touch with reality. In the real world we are all independent human beings capable of our own thoughts and desires. The problem is we often fall into the trap of thinking we want the same thing that the other person wants without straight up asking them or being upfront about it (Halinan, 2014).
- Stop being outcome dependent – We are considered outcome-dependent when allow our results, consisting of rewards or punishments that we encounter, are determined in totality or partially by the behavior of another individual. This means we feel we cannot be happy unless we please another person and in turn, please us back in results-driven atmosphere of fantasy (Pam, 2013).
- Stop giving a fuck what other people think about you – Like being outcome-dependent but even worse, relying on the opinions of others to persuade us as to what we should be doing. STOP IT! We must do more of what WE would like to do (as long as we are not harming others) and less of what others would like us to do and will try to convince us we should be doing. Stop caring about driving a nice car and start driving a well-maintained and fuel-efficient car. Who are we trying to impress anyway?
So, let’s have a discussion! Make sure you smash that LIKE button as you comment below.
• What are some habits you have found made you more likable in your own life?
• What are some things you would like to change and what do you believe needs to happen in order to implement those changes?
Leave your comments below and join in the discussion.
Being a more likable person is not really something we can do. Being likable is not something we wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and decide on – like going to the gym or eating healthy. Being a likable person is just something we are. When we realize how important it is to be empathetic to others, we have the opportunity to experience emotional connections with people on so many levels. We can learn to be a likable person. We can do this.
You’re Welcome. Internet.
References:
Hallinan, J. (2014) We See What We Want to See. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/kidding-ourselves/201404/we-see-what-we-want-see
Pam, M. (2013). What is OUTCOME DEPENDENCE? Definition of OUTCOME DEPENDENCE (Psychology Dictionary). Retrieved from https://psychologydictionary.org/outcome-dependence/
Stephenson, S. (2012). There’s Magic in Your Smile. Sussex Publishers. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201206/there-s-magic-in-your-smile.
Cuncic, A. (2019). The Best Ways to Maintain Eye Contact. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/how-do-i-maintain-good-eye-contact-3024392
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